MumbleVille

A local fraternity held a pretty apropos event over the weekend: the boys marked part of their house’s lawn into a grid, rented themselves some portable temporary fence, and imported a cow (well, looking the photograph, a youngish steer). The boys of Alpha Epsilon Pi sold rights to the squares to other Hellenic types and then eagerly awaited the inevitable results of “Jori’s” morning grazing: the cash pot would go to the owner of the first square splattered with bovine doodoo. Oh, and some of the money raised was for charity – though probably not the ASPCA.

Problem being that, apparently, none of those suburban Chicago frat boys knew beans about fencing. You guessed it, Jori got loose and then led a dozen or so of the bros on a merry chase through the streets of Champaign, Illinois. There’s been no word on whether anyone was singing the theme song from “Rawhide” at the time, however. Keep movin’, movin’, movin’ / Though they’re disapprovin’ / Keep them dogies movin’ / Rawhide!

The “shit on a square” idea’s nothing new, of course: Ginny’s Longhorn Saloon in Austin has held “Chicken Shit Sunday” for years, though to my knowledge the chicken’s never gotten loose and terrorized coeds in the streets around the UT campus. And the local chapter of AEPi admits they got the idea from a brother chapter in Maryland.

However, given that University of Illinois is the state’s Agriculture school, one would think that at least one of the brothers would know someone who could control the rather smallish bovine, not to mention that a “Daily Illini” staff writer might know someone who could tell the difference between male and female cattle – especially from the rear. Calling the animal in the photograph a “her” is udderly ridiculous, believe you me…

If the brothers want to stage their event again next year, they may want to strategize a change in format. Instead of cattle, perhaps the fraternity should hand a freshman member a fifth of Jägermeister and pay out on the site of first Technicolor yawn. Or maybe just pass one of the locals some bottled water and pay out for the square where he chucks the empty. There’s gotta be something better than bull shit.